She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
