I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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