i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
if only i could text you this smell
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
