I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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