I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize