I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
