I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
