i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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