I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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