she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
cat food counts as protein by the way
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
