i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
