Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
