i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
