I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
