My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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