I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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