I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Randomize
