I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
