My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
