the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
