there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
