My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
