look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
