Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
