It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize