Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
