ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
