you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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