The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize