She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
