I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
