I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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