just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
