you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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