Nicole vs. Life
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
