I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
