First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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