I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
