My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
