I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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