i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
