Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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