What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
