Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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