She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's shark week go big or go home
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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