I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
