you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
