When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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