two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have aggressive nipples.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
