Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
