Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Fuck appropriateness.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
