3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
