put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize