And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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