the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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