at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
