I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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