I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need to calm my uterus...
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