im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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