Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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