if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Mom said you looked used
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
