I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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