Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
