Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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