Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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