I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize