This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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