dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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