I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
